Things I Learned From Super Bowl 50 Commercials:
By: Chris P: Local Celebrity
@CPLocalCeleb

Super Bowl Sunday offers us examples of hard work, good sportsmanship and both mental and physical toughness. These guys have persevered to get to football’s biggest stage. But not to be overlooked are the lessons about our society that we can learn from the high dollar ad campaigns during the game. Here are your SuperBowl50 takeaways:

Audi is a great option for astronauts with PTSD;

Puppy Monkey Babies give intimate lap dances;

Skittles ads still make no sense;

Thirsty chicks drive Hyundais and might run me over;

The Shock Top tap is an asshole;

If someone is taking their time responding to my text, I should assume they are getting their ass whooped;

Opiates will constipate me;

White privilege is robbing a bank, running from the cops in a Prius and not getting shot the fuck up;

Death Wish Coffee is like swallowing pirates and seamen;

Drake’s not really from Canada;

Doritos are a viable alternative to the Plan B pill;

If you have a Super Bowl baby (because you didn’t have any Doritos handy), putting the NFL on child support might be a viable option, since they ARE claiming them;

And Lil’ Wayne wants you to live in an apartment … on the East side of town … no matter how fucked up the East side of your town is.

Thank you to all the corporate interests that made these life lessons possible. See? I knew they weren’t the evil money hungry entities we’ve made them out to be. If we could just get them involved in our political process to be able to spread this knowledge through our candidates … Oh, wait, they already do. Nevermind.