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Making America “Great” Again | @CPLocalCeleb

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Making America “Great” Again
by Chris Panayiotou | @CPLocalCeleb

It’s Wednesday morning, January 20, 2021. President Trump has won a landslide re-election over Kanye West and new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Ted Nugent, is administering the oath of office for his second term. The world, particularly the U.S., has changed drastically. An overwhelming number of Trump-licans have flooded into office, many from 2016 and many more from the previous midterm. What would be coined “The Bizarro Congress,” now includes the several members of the “Duck Dynasty” cast, Tila Tequila, Don King, Curt Schilling and a hologram of the recently deceased Clint Eastwood. FOX News (whose parent company NewsCorp is now owned by Trump himself) and their fierce campaign of fear and misinformation is to blame for these Congressional victories. The masses protest his ownership, calling it a conflict of interest, but are quickly quelled by the fists (and the immunity from prosecution) of angry Trump supporters. Trump and friends’ big money interests have lobbied their way through the law at unprecedented speeds and they pretty much do as they please. This is the post-Trumpocalyptic United States, and public opinion polls say, “It sucks.”

It was an eventful first term, filled with gaffes and over reaches, but Trump proved his resilience. It also didn’t hurt that he legally changed definition of “winning” to include losses, near misses, things that suck (see polls) and the occasional “Oops.” This ensured his campaign promise that, “We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with the winning,” would not go unfulfilled.

Here are the highlights of the first Trump term:

Immigration:
-Deports Barack Obama to Kenya, Ted Cruz to Guantanamo Bay.
-When Mexico refuses to build the wall, Trump invades and annexes Mexico, Honduras and Belize as the 51st-53rd states. The new wall along the Panamanian border is a much shorter one to build than one at the now former U.S.-Mexican border.
-The invasion reduces Illegal immigration by nearly half, as the once illegal immigrants are technically now U.S.-born.
-The White House hosts the finest European whores. European whores become the fastest growing immigrant population during Trump’s tenure.
-Immigration process expedited if you “have a great set of tits.”

Terrorism:
-Expands Gitmo to accommodate political rivals and Supreme Court justices that “won’t play ball.”
-Sends invoice to Gitmo prisoners’ nations of origin, in an attempt to bill them for their accommodations at the “Trump Cuba.”
-Tijuana, now part of the United States, builds Gitmo 2.0, where water boarding is replaced by “El Donkey Show” as the preferred means of torture.

Race Relations:
-Those white people that during the Obama administration “had lost their country,” suddenly become embolden to harass black people. In response, Trump issues the black community reparations, in the form of gently used bulletproof vests because, as he says, “I love the blacks!”
-The unofficial past time of rural America has become chasing minorities with pitchforks and torches.

Domestic Policy:
-ObamaCare replaced by Darwinism.
-George Zimmerman is tapped to lead the FBI. Cointelpro makes a triumphant return.
-White House Thanksgiving turkey is no longer pardoned, it is water boarded to death (because no one wants to eat a donkey’s sloppy seconds).

Economy:
-Raises money by selling naming rights of the states. “Texas presented by Starbucks” threatens secession for having by such a “Douchey, Hipster, Liberal Bullshit Name.” Trump revokes Starbucks’ purchase and resells the naming rights to the National Rifle Association. “NRA Texas” natives celebrate by shooting people.
-Replaces Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill with a picture of his “adequate” penis.

Foreign Policy:
-Trump bans all imports from China, causing a chain of events as follows:
• Wal-Mart goes out of business, employees forced to open businesses that Wal-Mart had driven to extinction, are raised out of poverty and government assistance is reduced by half;
• Lead levels in Flint children reduced by half from lack of access to Chinese-made toys;
• The knock-off market implodes;
• 75% of the clothing market is restocked with Colorado-grown hemp products;
• Chinese economy collapses overnight before the government can cash in on the U.S. debt they own. The ensuing chaos is too great and China becomes a failed state. ISIS swoops in and takes over, but the American corporate giants already there enslave the ISIS fighters in sweatshops. Nikes and Apple products once again flood U.S. markets.

Miscellaneous:
-Melania Trump announces her First Ladies’ Initiative will focus on enunciation.

These have been tumultuous times, to say the least. But even as big of an “Oops” as electing Trump has been, technically it’s still considered a “win.” I guess we all have become bored with (and tired of) “winning” after all.

If you like what you read you can purchase Issue 18 here.

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