Late last month, New York Times Magazine released results to its “If you could go back and kill Hitler as a baby, would you do it?” poll. And since the presidential election is roughly a year away, each day it becomes more difficult to find fresh, previously unasked questions to ask candidates, therefore the “Kill Baby Hitler” scenario was posed to former Florida Governor and “low energy” presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush. He responded enthusiastically, yet with an almost stoner-like inflection, “Hell yeah, I would.” He went on to say, “I’d bash that little shit-ler’s head in with a baseball bat! ‘Merica!” (Ok, I made that last part up, but wouldn’t that been an awesome way to drive home the point?)
While it’s a controversial subject that could potentially cause drastic changes to the present if it were to play out, I commend Jeb on his willingness to stand up for something that he believes in. While his party crusades against Planned Parenthood, Jeb’s time traveling to conduct a 4th trimester abortion on Little Adolf. And wouldn’t you know it? Wire coat hangers were already in existence and available in 1889, the birth year of the Fuhrer.
Considering the historical context, Jeb’s laying his life, as he knows it, on the line, to save millions of people. See, if Jeb smothers Baby Hitler with a pillow (or a brick), the Nazis may have never taken over Germany. Or by placing baby Hitler into a paint shaker (probably NOT available in 1889), maybe Jeb’s grandfather, Prescott Bush, never profits from his business dealings with the Nazis, and the Bush clan ends up *gasp* middle class. Look at that, Jeb’s the ultimate philanthropist!
And if Jeb guts Baby Hitler like a fish, the hypothetical lack of Germany military aggression toward the rest of Europe might change the war strategy and prevent Japan from attacking Pearl Harbor. Or if they did anyway, and the 16.1 million U.S. troops from WWII had solely attacked Japan, maybe Jeb’s dad, George H.W., would’ve been forced into a different combat role that may have resulted in his death, and then Jeb would never exist. He’s sacrificing his own life to make sure millions didn’t die!
So while Jeb plans on dropping a Mortal Kombat fatality on Baby Hitler, at great personal sacrifice to himself and his family, I unfortunately have to be realistic. Jeb is a politician, and this is just ANOTHER campaign promise that will go unfulfilled. Damn you, Jeb! You had me fooled for a moment, but the wool has been pulled from my eyes. I knew I couldn’t trust a Bush.
You have to make this right, Jeb. You have to go back in time and do something that makes you never exist; that’s the only way you’ll ever earn my vote.